I find it overwhelming how life can lift me so high and also hold me so low all at once. It is like a roller coaster that never stops and somehow you can be suspended high and low instantaneously. At least this is how my week has been. Higher than a kite and immobilized low. Perhaps if I literally was higher than a kite I wouldnt be feeling this low. Although, I cannot condone such a solution. I dont know why drugs is my go to humour but it just is. And it is quite fitting I must admit.
So here it all is. Tuesday I took a personal day off from the place that pays me and shadowed a physio. It was not unfamiliar and in moments I wanted to be on my own. I knew how rounds went, I knew how to prioritize and appropriate questions and therapies. I felt so keen, so ready. And yet I was to be the ghost in the room. Fortunately, I was with the most lovely lady and she was happy to have an extra set of hands and let me participate. The day went so incredible quickly. It felt like in moments it was over. And when I stopped by my desk after it was over to get my purse I saw that I had messages on the phone and emails to be responded to and it hit. This was my reality. It was eight hours of escape. Of returning to the world that I have wanted for so long. The world I used to be part of. And yet am not any longer. Reality hurt. I am so ready for my reality to change and I am working so hard but it just isnt coming. It feels so impossibly far away after the last two attempts. The books are open. The practice questions are being done and yet I cant help but feel the disheartening blow of knowing that I am not there, at least not here. I was left craving that high. Offering to come in on weekends for more shadowing just so I can feel like I am a part of something. Something that feels so close and yet so unattainable. At least I know I still want it.
So Tuesday night I returned to our home feeling blissful. I was motivated, I was excited I had so much to share. And Jeff was happy to listen to and full of encouragement. And then I came down from the high. The pain began. Like it was in January before the appointments and vomiting. The pain that forced my hand just months ago. Seconds felt like hours, the night felt like an eternity. Wednesday came and passed full of the all too familiar fatigue that only can accompany the kind of pain that exhausts your body. Sleep overcame me before the sun fell and I only awoke when Jeff came home. When morning came I found myself at work again being told I looked exhausted. Apparently 12 hours of this kind of sleep isnt restful. Day three. A test has been booked for tomorrow with me undecided if I even want it to show anything. I think we know the reality. This is the reality. This is how my body responds. I was on such a good track. Studying, I had my mileage on track for my upcoming half, I was happy. And now I just feel drained. Overcome by the complete lack of relief. Tired because my body is overworking. Frustrated that I will have missed two runs because I can barely make it up the stairs without feeling prepared to nap. Annoyed that I have so little control. And aware that this is life.
The ups and downs are so simultaneous some times. I can feel God's hand so clearly guiding me in his own time to reach my career but I cannot understand his guidance physically. I have no idea if this is a sign I dont want to see. If this is me needing to make a change in a plan that has been so carefully crafted by so many people. If this means I have used up my time. If this is going to last for another few minutes, or days or longer.
All I know is that I so badly want to make a difference. To look back and be proud. To wake up knowing I am getting up to go do something I believe in. I want to be the type of person I would remember. Not the one letting life be a hindrance. Something has to change so I can change.
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