It's been ages. I haven't wrote a word of anything in forever it feels like. I am amazed I even remember how to write. It is therapeutic. Prepare for a barrage of thoughts.
I suppose things have been more roller-coastery than usual. In actuality it likely appears that my life has become yet another stagnant pool or murky water. But I haven't felt so much change and so changed in a long time. And it isn't even because I found a husband. I am different. And maybe it is because of him but because he has made me so much better but it isn't what I am thinking about at the moment.
I grew up living at home, 18 years in a home, then I went to college for 4 years but as much as that was independence it wasn't. There was so much security in Utah, and it became home. I had non-biological families there. I had freedom with attachment and familiarity. And then it all changed. I left. And Australia was everything I had never had. Religion appeared as a foreign concept. There was no one that knew me and I could be anyone or anything. The security mesh underneath the highwire was gone. It was just me. And in those 25 months everything changed. I found and lost myself in everything. And then I just got comfortable. I stopped trying. I accepted so much as being stone when all it was was clay. It just needed some work to become.
And then I got back and moved home and independence seemed lost and everything went back to a reminder of life long past. I fell into routines so engrained in me that I didn't notice. I found the love of my life and got engaged and everything was so perfect and routine. Until I had one of the worst days of my life.
I had worked for six and a half years for a career and then moved home where I wasn't eligible to work yet. I had to be approved and then apply for an exam which needed to be passed to take a second exam to then also be required to pass to be eligible to work. All of this cost a continual fortune but I wasn't worried. I would be fine. I was always fine. Life came naturally. I didn't often experience true failure. I hadn't had a perfect life to that moment but I hadn't failed at anything significant. I had always gotten by and usually with ease.
So when I sat at my work computer and saw the spreadsheet of results and my pin number with the word Fail next to it I broke down. I cried and screamed and talked to everyone and no one and couldn't breathe and I thought my life was over. How could my fiancé marry me if I was a failure? What would I do for work? How would I cope? How would I ever face anyone in the world ever again? And when I finally got home that night after watching the world pass me by in my numb state I made a decision. I could cry all that night but when I woke up I had to move on. I had to finish the touches for the wedding that took place the next week. I could have one night to wallow and then I would move on. I didn't entirely believe myself when I set the time frame but I did it. I woke up numb the next morning and looked at what needed to be done and I did it. My family dint mention it they just supported me.
Time went on. I took a full time position at work 3 days after the big fail. It is so far from ideal but it was a position I knew well, could do with ease and could study at. It was close to our new home and had a gym. I stopped thinking of work as temporary and started making connections. I got to know everyone around me, in all of the clinics and departments I touched. I started volunteering at the gym and started looking at my fitness routine and making changes. I was not going to let one disaster ruin my life.
In 6 weeks I could re-fail. I could be back in the same boat of despair. But it is different this time. I am not cocky. I was prepared. I studied exponentially. I searched for information to learn instead of assuming I knew it. I stopped saying I couldn't do MC exams and started practising. And then I prepared mentally and emotionally. I created a spot for myself at work where I became needed. I started finding hobbies and interests and trying new things. I decided I wanted to be more in the other aspects of my life even if what I thought mattered most wasn't working.
I hope I don't see those four letters again because failing sucks. It is like a black hole of self doubt and loathing appears the moment you know you fail. But the truth is I needed it. I needed time to find me. To find out how to be a better partner. To stop letting everything mean the world and letting myself crumble from external influences. I have learned to start opening up to my surroundings. To become a part of something instead of standing alone and thinking I wanted to be alone. I know that I would be so much more fulfilled if I could pass and be in the career I spent a fortune becoming educated for but I also now know that I can be happy with out it. It isn't ideal but I can cope and can create other fulfilments in the mean time.
I stopped writing because I couldn't face my failure. I wanted to just pretend it didn't happen and did. And I got back up the next day and am fighting to become a physiotherapist because I want to make my mark on the world and to spend my days rehabing people so that they can have a better quality of life. So much as I realize that my time may still not be on the horizon I have come to recognize that I am not going to back down from a fall like usual. I am going to keep working until I can find a way to become what I want.
Perhaps the truth really is in the words. Thanks you Nate Ruess for singing the words that finally sparked my fingers again.
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