I must admit that I have listened to this song a million times. It's one of those ones that engulfs me. The worlds around disappears and I am entirely lost in the sounds and words and thoughts that arise. And when it ends I start over, unless its the radio then I just feel let down. Maybe because it understands me. I do close my eyes and find myself back to places I have trod before. I find myself watching the walls crumble and feeling helpless and I do feel like I have been there before. Because we all have.
Perhaps, we werent in Pompeii. We definitely weren't. It was 1, 935 years ago. But lately I have realized we all see destruction and even if its the same scene we surely aren't seeing it the same way. I have felt really judgemental lately. It is awful. I should be cast away. But it entirely stems from a lack of understanding. I forget that what I go through isn't what others are going through and I cannot expect them to be aware or say the right things when they dont know in a rote way or in actuality. Hearing words is not the same as understanding and feeling it.
So, lately I have felt like just clenching my eyes shut to watch the walls fall and the city collapse and I know that's what will happen because I have been here before. I have felt this way before. I have experienced this and I realize that no one else can really understand because even if I have shared they havent felt it.I used to keep my blog so vague as if I was mysterious. I am not. I just am not open. I like to look stoic and put together. I dont like to be vulnerable. But if I cant be vulnerable in my own words when will it ever happen?
So the truth is my uterus is a demon. It has plagued me for years. I was 18 when I first heard that I may not be able to have children. Seven years is a long time but that sting will not wane. Not unless I have a child. And I am not trying to get pregnant. There is no baby bump, there are no tears of negative pregnancy tests because they arent being taken and I am not there yet. But the constant reminders I have from the pain and limitations and mostly the pain suck. I have been down this path. I know the information. I know the treatments, I know the doctors, I know the results. And I am back to the same page I was on so many years ago with the same lack of real results and it is frustrating. So frustrating. I would rather be facing something new that I cant predict instead of feeling like I have been here before and I coudlnt do anything to save the city that time either.
And all of this leads to me being more critical because I feel annoyed that no one gets it. That everyone else loves to share about their newborns or their pregnancies without ever thinking that it may be hard for me to hear when all I have ever wanted are children and I have the constant pain reminding me that that will not be a walk in the park. I love your children and your happiness but I would love even more for people to understand. To recognize it's hard for me. So I say things I dont mean because I just want to move on. To not talk about babies and making babies and having babies growing inside wombs. My womb is psychotic. It does not like the thought of a baby and it makes me crazy. Literally, I am crazy some days and I think part of it is coming from my uterus.
So when I close my eyes and see the tears from the past and realize that as far as I have come I am still watching the same clouds darken my life I wonder how it's possible that nothing has changed. And as frustrating as it is this song just makes it okay. It makes it alright that I have been here before and that I am not in control of everything. That some things will just happen and that I can still be okay. Listening to Bastille sing about Pompeii and its destruction just gives me so much hope. Hope that I wish I could express better instead of my annoyance. So I am not bitter that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I just need a break from hearing about it when I have been feeling so unwell lately. I just want to feel hope and close my eyes instead of being confronted with reality. So I might say the wrong things, or seem uninterested but the truth is I am still learning how to watch without reacting and how to accept the past when it comes back as the present. I am still learning to have hope beyond when the headphones are in.
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