I couldn't remember the last time I had real tears. Not anxious ones, or ones from stress or pain. But ones where you convulse and ache. Ones that come from the heart and come out forcefully as they have been suppressed unknowingly for so long.
Today broke that. I hadn't expected it. Especially when I didn't find the grave. I was just wandering through crunchy snow that was biting my ankles hoping to find an uncovered stone that was covered and unfindable. I wandered as long as I could and promised myself I would come back as soon as it melted. And then I drove away. No sooner than I did, I felt the deep ache that was only the slightest forewarning of those kind of tears. Oh I miss her. I miss the pureness of her, the sheer joy and love, and how she was there when I needed hope most.
Broken hearts and tears only opened my eyes though. They make me want to work harder. To be less stagnant and to make better plans. I feel refreshed and renewed. I realized that I have been short sighted and close minded. There is so much more that I want and could work for and I think I am finally ready to do something about it. To not just be the shadow that I have become.
Some days you just need someone to say the right thing or you need to be in the right place. Although it felt like my trampling was in vain today, that sacred place brought me life. My heart may be broken but I will fix it up, so it will work again. Better than before.