For being a song about broken hearts I find it so motivating and soothing. It isn't one of those songs that makes me wallow when I feel sad. It just makes me want to dance a little while I write or read or workout. It just works. So well. Let's not make it harder than it has to be.
Lately I have been trying to create who I want to be. To put in more work and less words. I can be all talk. I am not even tough. Mind blowing I know. But really, I don't want to perpetually be ashamed of where I am at. And I am with work. I don't love my job, it doesn't challenge me and it doesn't utilize my skills. But for now it is a job, one that gives me flexibility and connections and allows me to workout at lunch. And eventually I have be able to pass that exam. So I wont be here forever. However, I got caught up in my being here and not being anywhere worth being. So I have decided to not let it define me.
I will choose what defines me. I will not be defined.
When my Dad left I let that define me for a long time. It haunted me. I didn't want to see anyone that knew. I wanted to just get away. To escape. I wanted to pretend I wasn't broken hearted. I don't think I even realized my heart was still beating. I just was. And I just tried to get by.
A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. I don't know if it ever gets easier to not be defined or feel defined by things we would rather not but I am pretty sure there is a lot I can do to help change that. So I am. I have an interview tomorrow for a yoga position at a studio. I have always stayed to gyms as I feel more comfortable there, there is so much less pressure. But diamonds come from intense pressure so maybe I need a little bit of that. So I am going to at least try. And I have a pilates class I am going to start teaching to build the confidence that currently is nothing more than sand being walked on. And I am trying to make things matter a little more, to appreciate what I have and can do.
As I was thinking about this the other night I looked over Jeff and just smiled. He is what I am most proud of. I have an amazing husband. And even though I don't have my dream job and I can see so many things I want to improve upon I would be more than happy if people defined me by the man I married. He has seen me at so many of my worst times and when my heart has been broken and he has always known that there was still a beating heart somewhere in there.
I am quite sure life isn't done breaking my heart but at least now I feel pretty sure that I can handle it in some form of stride and that regardless I got two hands and a beating heart. I will always be alright.