I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past
Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past
Another year.Four years. Three countries lived in. Two degrees obtained. A husband found. A new life created. And yet it is still marked. It has been another year. It is different this time. So different. I dont hurt the way I thought I would. The way I usually do. I dont ache. I dont long. I dont resent. I didn't cry.
I have a new life. I have my own life. I have come to terms with reality and I have moved on. I have moved on from you. No longer will you have that hold. You chose to leave, you cannot dictate the terms that accompany that choice. My life will not be hindered by guilt trips or forced occasions. I realized that I have to live my life. I cannot keep having expectations that are unreal. I cannot live in the dark or pretend that choices weren't made. Feelings were hurt. Bonds were destroyed. Lies were told. And I survived.
Divorce seems common. Like we all should be able to accept it. As if we should just nod and move on and pretend that it doesn't hurt people. I know of amicable divorces but even those hurt the children. So I do not accept that this is becoming reality. It will not be my reality. I spent too long feeling like it was my fault and that things would go back to what I called normal. Year four has proven otherwise. It has taught me a new normal. One that doesn't have to be hindered by secrecy and lies and guilt. It has given me hope and closure and the ability to walk away.
I still feel scarred. I am less trusting. I am insecure. I am more aware of deceit and less willing to walked on. But I am also stronger. I am more firm in my beliefs and I am more grateful for what I have.
Four years ago I learned that my family was broken. It shattered my universe and I never thought I would love again. I was embarassed and hid my fear, my pain and my suffering from those closest to me. It was so incredibly isolating. As I have learned to heal I have also learned to open up. To let people in. And because of this I have the love of my life, a whole new family and those of us who were in the radius of poor choices are doing well.
I no longer sit in silence while my mind is screaming. I don't long for the past when I thought family was invincible. And I am learning to take responsibility for my problems and to let go of those problems people try to send my way.
Four years and I am so much stronger than I could have ever hoped for. You did not defeat me.
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