Nobody Likes To, But I Really Like to Cry, Nobody Likes Me, Maybe if I Cry

I grew up very unemotional. Crying was uncommon. I went to college avoid of emotional abilities. My excitement and sad responses were the same. I handled all emotion internally. Eventually, I grew emotionally. My hand was dealt with tragic and heartbreaking circumstances and I sought help. I learned to grieve, to allow myself to cry, to feel anger and frustration. To have explore my emotions and to accept them. I went to counselling as needed over a few years and watched my life change. There was no punishment for tears. It did not in fact show weakness. It could hold vulnerability but it was okay. I will be forever grateful for the time I took to heal myself. 

This process taught me to respond to emotion differently. Not just my own but others. I stopped feeling paralysed when others cried in front of me and became more compassionate. I dealt with situations better and learned to both seek understanding amidst emotion and to be able to communicate it. However, there is always a time and place and I still actively avoid being in tearful situations for others because it is uncomfortable. Tears can be awkward. So welcome to yesterday.

I was feeling a bit anxious for a simple interview at a yoga studio. Jeff has substantially calmed my nerves and reminded me that I had nothing riding on this. I didnt need to be hired, I just thought it would be fun. Therefore, there was no pressure on me. So after having a pep talk off I went. I arrived feeling less stressed and quite prepared. The environment was extremely relaxed and it was like having a conversation with someone in a coffee shop. Carefree and easy. As we got going I began to wonder if something was off, there were long pauses after questions where the interviewer would just kind of look off into space. I assumed she was thinking of what else to ask me so sat politely. As it progressed I began to feel almost too prepared as I had a few questions and it seemed as if I was the one digging for depth. However, I was feeling like I had been presenting myself well so I brushed it off. Until she started tearing up, I could see the tears welling but kept smiling and being responsive as she told me I wouldnt hear anything for a bit as she had a lot going on. That made sense. We all do. But then she cried. And it got really, really awkward. I have no idea what else is going on but the tears were coming and apparently a lot going on was trampling the interview. I aimed for a smooth wrap up and said I looked forward to hearing back from her next week and hoped things went well for her as she took care of things. Then she hugged me.

I know yoga interviews are not the same as applying at a corporate firm. However, I went home perplexed. I looked at Jeff and said, "she cried". I was in shock. 

I dont typically  like to cry. I like to think nobody does. Although Tegan and Sara are right. Some days I really do like a good cry that is cleansing. However, not while interviewing someone. Even if you cry it doesnt make things better at a time like that. Just like at uni when some people would cry every exam and almost be rewarded for having a mental breakdown. Tears are not always appropriate. They make it so nobody likes you. Maybe if you cry is not a solution.

In the end I felt quite proud of myself as my usual initial response to awkward tears is the thought I will leave you with.

Crying Rules

In the shower with music on so no one can hear you or see the tears.

xo